Derekus and Cassandra
by saywhatyouneedtosay
Summary: This is my first big project for LWD fanfiction. Expect a tragicomical version of Romeo and Juliet, I do not know if this has been done before... Please read away and review! *Dasey*
1. Prologue and Characters

I do not own LWD nor, obviously, Romeo and Juliet! ;)

_Derekus and Cassandra __or the comitragical LWD version of Romeo and Juliet_

Prologue

Your faithful writer's doom it became

A task her stern professor gave;

To read a famous author's work:

Romeo and Juliet it is named.

Your young servant couldn't bear

To not write about her favourite show,

As Life with Derek it is known.

To kill two birds with one stone,

A story shall be written,

Replacing the tragic master piece character's

With the ones of the TV show beloved,

An act a time, the pace not slow not fast.

Will to merge these worlds together be boon or doom?

For better, not for worse it shall be written and seen,

Or my muse will be fired soon.

_Characters of: Derekus and Cassandra_

_The Venturis_

_**Derekus: Romeo**_

_Sam__us: Benvolio, Romeo's Cousin_

_Ralphio: Mercut__io_

_**Edwardo: Balthasar**__, __**Romeo's loyal servant**_

_**Georgius Venturi: Lord Montague**_

_**Martina: Abraham (Capulet servant)**_

_The McDonaldius'_

_**Cassandra: Juliet**_

_Sheldonius: Tybalt, Juliet's Cousin_

_Emilia: Juliet's faithful Nurse_

_**Lizzilia: Sampson (Capulet servant)**_

_**Nora McDonaldius: Lady Capulet**_

_Others_

_**Paulus: Friar Lawrence**_

_Maximilian: Paris_

_Kendra: Rosaline (Romeo's first love)_

_Trevorius: __Prince Escalus__, Prince of Verona; kinsman to Mercutio and Paris_

_(Other minor characters will make appearances too, be prepared)_

Please REVIEW!


	2. Act 1 Scene 1

I do not own LWD nor, obviously, Romeo and Juliet

I do not own LWD nor, obviously, Romeo and Juliet! ;)

A/N: I'm so sorry, but there is a mistake on the character list: Martina (Abraham) is of course a Montague servant, on the Venturis side! (I haven't yet figured out how to change something already posted….)

_Derekus and Cassandra__or the tragicomical LWD version of Romeo and Juliet_

_Act 1 – Scene 1_

_Set in the high school's__ cafeteria, in the morning. Teenagers are sitting in groups, the punks with the punks, the cheerleaders with the cheerleaders, the footballers with the footballers and of course the Venturis with the Venturis and the McDonaldius with the McDonaldius._

(Enter Lizzilia and James, each having ordered a plate of spaghetti with salad.)

Lizzilia:

Oh this morning could not pass fast enough

For in hell where mathematics must have been born

Our teacher delights to dwell.

James:

True are thy words dear friend.

But learn and suffer we must,

If not for life then at least to embarrass, defeat and ridicule

Our masters' enemies: the fool Venturis.

Lizzilia:

Better ways there are,

To achieve said goals.

Spit chewing gum, pull hair,

Are only some options there.

James:

Be prepared now and alert,

Here pass servants of our enemies!

Lizzilia:

I'm ready to quarrel with them,

Don't let them pass without an insult,

But make it seem their fault,

Detentions we do want not.

James:

I'll scoff at them passing by,

Thus encouraging them to start a fight.

Lizzilia:

Not strong enough is thy try,

I'll let them see a certain finger of mine.

(Enter Martina and Edwardo, each bearing a tray with two slices of pizza and some salad)

Martina:

Is your middle finger stretched out at us?

Lizzilia:

My middle finger is stretched out.

Martina:

But is thy finger pointed at us?

Lizzilia (to James):

Would I be the one to start the fight if yes be my answer?

James:

Yes.

Lizzilia (to Martina):

No, I do not stretch out my middle finger at you,

But stretch out my middle finger I do.

James:

Do you want to start a fight?

Martina:

No, I don't!

Lizzilia:

If you do I would bet on you, you're equally good as me.

Martina:

Oh you are better.

James (to Lizzilia):

Say you are, here come the reinforcements.

Lizzilia:

I believe your words to be true.

Martina:

Liar!

Lizzilia:

Let's start this party, James,

Food fight, now!

(They throw their salads at each other trying to dodge and aim at the same time, letting the whole thing look like a catastrophically performed dance show rather than a food fight between mortal enemies.)

(Enter Samus, with two Cheeseburgers on his plate)

Samus:

Stop this madness, thou know not what you do!

(He takes away their plates, or what is left of them.)

(Enter Sheldonius, with Lasagne on his plate)

Sheldonius:

What are you doing with these foolish youngsters?

Turn around Samus, and meet thy true enemy!

Samus:

My goal it is to keep this place clean,

My detention's task being to clean the cafeteria.

Thus help me to keep food on the plates and peace in the room,

Or leave not to come back soon.

Sheldonius:

What! Samus is to clean this mess?

Why, then let this fight go on,

I hate all Venturis, mathematics and so on!

(The Venturis and McDonaldius begin a big food fight, drawing more and more members of their clans into it. They are curiously distinguished by the sort of food they throw: the sophisticated McDonaldius throw Italian food while the practical Venturis throw fast food. As they go on, some of the other groups get involved too: the cheerleaders, the punks, the bikers, the footballers etc.)

(Enter Nora McDonaldius, originally coming to get her children and drive them home)

Nora McDonaldius:

What is this my eyes witness?

A good old food fight?

Bring me a saltimbocca, stat!

(Enter Georgius Venturi, a little late as usual, originally coming to get her children and drive them home)

Georgius Venturi:

Oh you insufferable foe of mine,

Prepare thyself to be buried in food!

Get me a pizza with olives, champignons and salami, stat!

(Enter Trevorius, newly elected school president)

Trevorius:

End this chaos!

McDonaldius' and Venturis, thrice have you now disturbed

This temple of wisdom's peace.

In your age, your children's first day here, and now.

Polluting the other children's mind

With stupid ideas of food fights.

Hear my words and be warned

Your next fight will be punished hard,

Those who participate shall be expelled

Not to come hither again ever in their lives.

Nora McDonaldius come with me now,

Georgius Venturi, meet with me later,

You shall both know my further intentions about this case.

Depart now with this warning,

Or you shall all be expelled!

(Everybody leaves, shooting glares at each other. Only Georgius Venturi and Samus remain.)

Georgius Venturi:

Tell who started this fight, friend!

Samus:

I saw your servants fighting here,

For ...uhmm…peace's sake I intended to part them,

But, alas, came Sheldonius to begin the fight anew,

Drawing into it all the other groups too.

Georgius Venturi:

So where is my son, if not in the middle of this fight?

Though glad I am for his carefully styled hair,

Samus:

Sir, before school even began I saw him walking,

Over the schoolyard again and again,

Deep in his thoughts,

Rather unusual for him.

Georgius Venturi:

Oh thou say a great truth,

But I saw him in melancholy too.

To speak with him gave no further information,

I'm worried for his reputation.

Samus:

Do not worry anymore,

Given the title of one of his best friends,

I'll draw out the truth out of his mind.

Now leave, because Derekus comes hither!

(Georgius Venturi leaves, Derekus enters sighing)

Samus:

Hey there, good morrow, friend!

Derekus:

Is it still that early?

Samus:

Did you forget to put on thy watch?

Derekus:

Disturbed is my mind,

A fight storms inside.

Samus:

In love?

Derekus:

Not…

Samus:

Not in love?

Derekus:

My heart burns for her,

Hers is cold as ice.

Samus:

Love, a sentiment as sweet as bitter.

Derekus:

Chinese food I crave, what will you eat?

But what happened here!

Don't answer, I can imagine it,

A fight as hard in here as in my heart,

Fool's madness, ancient feud!

Oh, love I did this quarrel

Until my heart was made a slave,

And my passion only serving for her.

Do you laugh at me?

Samus:

No, I rather cry.

Derekus:

Well then I'll leave to learn,

A little more of mathematics' hell.

Samus:

Wait for me!

Will you not tell me the fair woman's name?

Derekus:

She's a girl…

Samus:

I assumed so.

Derekus:

…fair and elegant…

Samus:

If noticed by you, how could she not be?

Derekus:

…but smart and earnest,

Not delighting in one of my sort.

She will not love me,

But study and wait,

For someone who is not alike me.

Samus:

Listen to a wise friend's words: forget her.

Derekus:

Will you give me a crash-course on how?

Samus:

Go fishing,

The waters are filled with fish,

Waiting to be caught,

By ones alike of us.

Derek:

My mind, heart and body belong to her,

My senses being thus numb to anyone else.

Farewell: Wise you are not,

I will not learn from you!

Samus:

This crash-course will work,

Or not longer shall I be named thy friend Samus!

(They leave the cafeteria to find something to eat that is not attached to the floor, walls, or ceiling.)

A/N: Wow, I'm exhausted now….I hope you like it, please review!!


	3. Act 1 Scene 2

I do not own LWD nor, obviously, Romeo and Juliet! ;)

A/N: I'm sorry for not having updated this earlier, I've been busy moving (still haven't unpacked all my stuff) and work! I hope you like this chapter and pleaaaaase review, I need your opinions to do this right!!!!!

_Derekus and Cassandra__or the tragicomical LWD version of Romeo and Juliet_

_Act 1 – Scene 2_

_Set on a street leading from the school to the bus station where most children take the school bus to get home._

(Enter Nora McDonaldius, Maximilian and a servant)

Nora McDonaldius:

And Georgius Venturi is to be punished alike,

It shall not be hard to keep peace between adults like us.

For once we used to be more than enemies,

And through this feud we both lost

Those we loved most;

Driven away by our deeds and hate and else

Until for them it was not possible to tolerate.

Maximilian:

Both your stories are sad,

And happiness you both deserve.

But madam, what say you about my quest?

Nora McDonaldius:

By repeating to you what I've said before:

My daughter is new at this school,

Not yet 14 days has she been part of it.

Let two more weeks pass ere you ask her out,

Her reputation shall not be harmed,

By people calling her easy.

Maximilian:

Yet having known each other by fewer weeks,

Have happy couples been formed,

To each other to belong.

Nora McDonaldius:

And broken up they are too, before long.

She is my only child and daughter,

My delight and only source of happiness.

But of course, you may flirt with her,

My opinion has no law there.

Yet only her heart is to be the ruler,

Of whom she chooses, as long as he is no loser.

Tonight in my humble home,

A costume ball will be celebrated,

Such one as of old,

Invited are the ones I call friends,

And you shall be one amongst them.

Do please admire all the beauties present,

To choose the one most pleasant.

Now, let's go!

(She turns around to her servant and gives him the guest list.)

Find, loyal servant, these persons,

My friends to be invited from London, Ontario.

Tell them to be welcomed this fair night in my home,

Their addresses written down shall lead you to their own.

(Nora McDonaldius and Maximilian leave to prepare the house for the party)

Servant:

Their addresses written down!

By her hand nonetheless!

Her letters to me are hieroglyphs,

My eyes not the best, my glasses forgotten at home,

And her handwriting surely not renowned.

Find I must the ones who can decipher this!

(Enter Samus and Derekus, still arguing about the best cure for Derekus' lovesickness.)

Samus:

Man, I tell you I'm right,

A fair maid or two will hold your sight,

Turn you blind for your misery's source,

And let new sighs escape your mouth,

Extinguishing this fire in which you burn.

Derekus:

Don't make me mad with your foul suggestions,

I'm not able to forget, as I am whipped,

Smitten and…good afternoon!

Servant:

Good afternoon, sir. Tell me, is your sight not blinded

By any sickness of the eye,

And your skills to read good enough,

To understand a handwriting as messy as no other?

Derekus:

My eyes are blinded by a sickness of old.

Servant:

Well, then I say farewell to you.

Derekus:

Stay, I can read, my sickness is love.

(He takes the guest list from the servant and reads the names and addresses aloud. While doing this he stumbles over the name of his beloved maiden: Kendra.)

This is an assembly most welcome to my eyes,

Where is it to take place?

Servant:

In my master's house, to supper.

Derekus:

His name I should have asked first.

Servant:

No need is there to ask.

My master's name is Nora MacDonaldius, the wise.

If thou are not of her enemies' house, the Venturis,

Feel free to come and have a cup of champagne,

I hope to see you around, fare well!

(The servant leaves, happy to have been able to find someone who could help him.)

Samus:

At this masque ball at Capulet's

Dines your supposedly fair Kendra,

Amidst all the beauties of this city.

I'll show you some and introduce to you others,

You shall think them most beautiful,

And your misery a mere memory.

Derekus:

Her beauty cannot be matched,

By sun, moon or any daughter of Eve.

My heart won't let my eyes wander

From her lovely sight to another's frame or yonder.

Samus:

Not yet compared have you then her beauty,

But this night you shall.

You've seen her alone and thus not challenged.

To change this matter this ball is best,

Surrounded by greater sights, she will be less.

Derekus:

I will go with you, this I promise readily,

But to admire her only and not Bianca, Veronica or Emily.

(They leave to prepare for the costume ball, both excited.)


End file.
